Look, I have to level with you. I still am not sure exactly what the main purpose of this Substack is going to be. Am I going to have the energy to write it consistently? Do I have a central theme? The answer to those questions is no. But I figure as long as there are a few people out here opening emails on the weekend, I might as well send this.
First: a thank you. Thank you to every single person who came out to my book tour, and everyone who has bought or even read IMMORTALITY: A LOVE STORY.
I spent eight sleep-deprived, delirious days getting to meet readers and talking to people about whether they’re Team Jack or Team Simon, and then, on the final day of my tour (when I was alone eating brisket tacos from Edley’s BBQ in Nashville), my agent sent me a video of him popping a bottle of champagne. IMMORTALITY hit #1 on the New York Times bestseller list, the bucket-list accomplishment I’ve been dreaming of for as long as I’ve been dreaming of being a writer.
I know it’s a fluke of timing and marketing and thanks in no small part to an aboslutley gorgeous cover that I had nothing to do with, and that all careers ebb and flow and I have to learn to be grateful for the work itself and not its commercial outcome, but for now: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Now that that’s out the way, let’s get to the fun part of this email: the Oscars are coming up this weekend, and if your brain is as broken as mine, you might enjoy this truly insane menu I thought would be funny based on Ariana Debose’s instantly iconic BAFTA rap.
Inspired by and with thanks to my friend, Lizzie Logan, here it is:
Hong chow mein,
Hello Dolly De
KeReese’s and
Carroway with a seed
Dame Emma I’m so fondant.
BanAna girl, you were great in Blondies!
Danielle tea you broke my tart,
Mi-shell pasta I’ve loved you from the start.
Angela Bassett did the spring rolls
Viola Davis my Woman King cake
Blanched almond cake, you’re a genius
Jamie Leek, you were all of crust.
So that, obviously, is going to be the centerpiece of whatever you’re going to do. But if you need some other random pitches, here you go:
Ban-cheese of Inisherin (cheese plate)
Barry KeOreos
Colin Farro
Bread-an Gleeson
Martin McDoughnuts
Glass sour-cream-and-Onion dip
Rye-n Johnson
Mrs. Harris Goes to Pear Tart
Women Taco-ing
Tuna TárTár
Avatar: The Way of Watermelon
“Leave the Top Gun, take the cannoli”
Reubens Östlund
Michelle Yeogurt
Brendan Fraises
Paul Mezcal
Andrea Rice-borough
Stephanie Choux pastry
Guillermo del Toro’s Pistachio
Turning Red velvet cake